-Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering 

a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. 

-Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at 

her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If 

you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I 

will remove them. 

-Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age 

to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling 

off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and 

all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair 

and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: 

You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your 

pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order 

to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the 

course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail 

gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 

-Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without 

utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me 

elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will 

kill you. 

-Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each 

other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of 

the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from

you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely 

back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject

is "early." 

-Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities 

to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay 

with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little 

girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished

with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. 

-Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to 

appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If 

you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My

daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer 

than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing 

there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in

my car? 

-Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my 

daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer 

than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen,

or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places 

where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where 

the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to 

wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than 

overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her 

throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be 

avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games 

are okay. Old folks homes are better. 

-Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-

aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I

am the all- knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you 

where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me 

the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a 

shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle 

with me. 

-Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake 

the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over

a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, 

the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I 

wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into 

the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain 

sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice 

that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then 

return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. 

The camouflaged face at the window is mine!

~20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters ~

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of

sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door,

jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!"

Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in

big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say,

"It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut

the door.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters

come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell,

"Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure

out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural

"whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't

move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the

street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and

scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the

house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give

them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy.

Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who

comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through

the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for

a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain

that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters

a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M&M's and several half-eaten candy

bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a

few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch.

Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open

the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the

door when you're finished.

~Why It Would be kinda cool To Be A Guy~
-Phone conversations last 30 seconds
-You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
-A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
-Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
-You can open all your own jars
-Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight
-When clicking through the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of
someone crying
-You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
-You can go to the bathroom alone
-Your last name stays put
-You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
-You can kill your own food
-The garage is all yours
-You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
-You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
-Cleaning the toilet is optional
-You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
-Wedding plans take care of themselves
-If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
-Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
-None of your coworkers have the power to make you cry
-You don't have to shave below your neck
-You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
-If you're 34 and single, no one notices
-Chocolate is just another snack
-You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
-Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything
-You never have to worry about other's feelings
-Three pair of shoes are more than enough
-You can say anything and not worry about what people think
-You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
-Car mechanics tell you the truth
-You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
-You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking, "He must be mad at me"
-One mood, all the time
-You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
-Gray hair and wrinkles add character
-Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
-You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
-You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
-The remote is yours and yours alone
-You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
-If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
-If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
-The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
-If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
-New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
-You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny
-If you retain water, it is in a canteen

Why men like smart women...

We're a little tired of dumb blonde jokes, so here are some dumb guy jokes!

1. Why do men like smart women?
.......Opposites attract.

2. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
........We cook -- they eat; we clean -- they dirty; we iron -- they wrinkle.

3. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
........Make him wear shoes.

4. What did God say after creating man?
........I can do so much better.

5. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
........"My wife says..."

6. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
........So men can understand them.

7. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
........To stop the snoring before it starts.

8. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
........Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

9. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
........Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.

10. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
........When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there

Top 9 things that pisses others off 



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where 

my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I 

ask where the bathroom is? 



2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick. 



3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room 

for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the 

channel manually. 



4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." 

Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? 



5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it 

is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people 

do this? Who and where are they? 



6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No ASSHOLE, 

I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at the friggin ceiling up 

there. 



7. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"..... Didn't really give me a 

choice, did ya there buddy? 



8. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then 

there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then it 

must not be the first one!! 



9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were 

going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over!

Ways to bug your roomie

1. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
2. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
3. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
4. Paste pre and post nasal drips on the windows in occult patterns.
5. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
6. Dye all your underwear lime green.
7. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
8. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
9. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
10. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
11. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
12. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
13. Array thirteen tooth brushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
14. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
15. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
16. Shave one eyebrow.
17. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
18. Put horseradish in your shoes.
19. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
20. Always flush the toilet three times.
21. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
22. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
23. Give him/her an allowance.
24. Listen to radio static.
25. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
26. Hang out the window, when your roomate leaves the room temporarily run outside and lie down on sidewalk outside

How to Get Rid Of Your Date (Or At Least Make Sure You'll Never Go Out With Him Again!)

1. Guard your plate with fork and knife and act like you'll stab anyone who reaches for it, including the waiter.
2. Collect salt shakers from all the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower formation on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. twice.
4. Make faces at other patrons, and then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Read a newspaper during the meal, ignoring your date.
7. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth. ask if hes a slayer.
8. Twitch spastically. if asked about it, pretend you don't know what hes talking about.
9. Every five minutes or so, circle your table with your arms outstretched while making airplane sounds.
10. Order a bucket of lard.
11. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. this is especially fun in fancy places with linen tablecloths.
12. When ordering, inquire if the restaurant has any live food.
13. Without asking, eat off your dates plate. eat more of his food than he does.
14. Drool.
15. Talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
16. Scarf down everything on your plate in 30 seconds.
17. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. go to the hostess and ask for another table. order another meal. when your date finally finds you, ask him, what took you so long in the restroom?!?
18. Ask the people at the next table if you can taste their food.
19. Beg your date to tattoo your name on his bicep.
20. Order something nasty for your date. ((ex. snails, octopus brains, basically anything off the menu at a french resturant)) act offended if he refuses to eat it.
21. Ask for a seat away from the windows where you have a good view of all exits and can keep your back to the wall. act nervous. wring your hands.
22. Lick your plate. offer to lick your date's.
23. Hum. loudly. in monotone.
24. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements -- anything that isn't bolted down.
25. Slide under the table. take your plate with you.
26. Order a baked potato as a side dish. when the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes and ask the waiter for the potato you never got. when the waiter returns, have the first one back up on the plate. repeat later in the meal.
27. Throughout the meal, speak in pig latin.
28. Take a bathroom break. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on one of the chairs. say they need airing out.
29. Bring 20 or so candles with you. during the meal, arrange them in a circle around the table. chant.
30. Order your food by colors and textures. sculpt.
31. Insist the waiter cuts your food into tiny pieces.
32. Accuse your date of espionage.
33. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
34. Break wind loudly. add commentary. bow.
35. Feed imaginary friends, stuffed animals, or dolls you brought with you.
36. Shoot hoops with shrimp into his water glass.
37. Every time your date opens his mouth, interrupt and start a new conversation.
38. Belch. score it according to the olympic standard.
39. Flirt shamelessly with the waiter throughout the entire meal. or better yet, flirt with the waitress.
40. After kissing him, explain you're doing a study on the spread of mononucleosis

9 Psycotic acts to do in your day-to-day life

1. Walk up to a table in the mall and pick up someone's food item. Look at them sternly and say "YOU DO NOT LIKE THIS FOOD!!!" Then trun to the table next to them.  Give them a warm smile, pat them on the shoulder and say, "BUT YOU DO!!!" then walk away.

2. While sitting in English class suddenly throw yourself on the floor face odwn, and start screaming while convulsing "Ther are coming to get me!!!! HELP!!!!! Don't let them take me!!!!!!! (continue on....)!!" Then get up, dust yourself off and sit down like nothing ever happened.

3. Walk up to someone on a street, grab their face, and stare intently into their eyes.  After a few moments of doing so say things like, "You are blessed my child!!!" "You must use your great gifts!!!" (Maybe after doing this give a little smile and stroll away).

4. Go to a dance (other than one at your school). When you get there, walk up to anyone you see and ask if they will be your friend.  (Twitching ever so often would be a nice touch to add, along with occasional drooling)

5. If you see a romantic couple walking, approach them and squeeze them. Place your arms around each one of them and start singing "We are family"

6. Go to the mall in your own bathing suit (paricualry in the middle of winter). Go to a large fountain and try to swim in it.  Suddenly start screaming that you are drowning and somebody call 911. When the police approach you, tell them you never had a pool of your own and bawl hysterically.

7. If someone glances at you, start singing things like, "you want my body, you think i'm sexy, ....."

8. When carrying a purse, open it repeatedly and look into it saying "BE QUIET!!! THEY'LL HEAR YOU!! THAT IS IT MISTER!!! TIME OUT FOR YOU!!!"

9. Ask someone to smell your armpits and tell them you can't tell if your deodorant is working, but maybe they can tell if it's working 

ThInGs To Do iN A pUbLiC BaTHrOoM!

1. Stick your open palm under the stall door and ask your neighbor if you can borrow a highlighter

2. Say, "uh-oh. i knew i shouldn't have put my lips like that"

3. Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say "Darn, this water's cold!"
5. Say "Hmmmmm.... I've never seen that color before."
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 second and then drop a cantelope into the toliet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
7. Say "How did that get there?"
8. Say "Humus. Reminds me of humus"
9. Say "Interesting. More floaters and sinkers."
10. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor.  Then say "Whoops! Can you kick that back over to me?!"
11. Say "Darn, i knew that drain hole was a little too small. What am i gonna do now?"
12. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so that you can see your neighbor's face and say "Peek-a-boo!"
13. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall and sing "Born Free"